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With apologies to the author (whomsoever they may be), the email that included this did not attribute it, the emailer is not the author, merely forwarded it to the person in their region identified as 'the Australian', this is a very small town. —No copyright is known. —No copyright is claimed.

Australia

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals.
They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and sheep♡.

It is True that of the ten most dangerous snakes, Australia has eleven of them.
Important distinction, the Inland Taipan is counted twice.
The author does not wish to find out what happens if this aggressive, insanely venomous, killing machine, feels slighted.
Despite their aggression, toxicity, and camouflage, there are curiously few snakes seen,
The common assumption is the spiders have killed them all.

It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.
It would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea.

The sea is filled with ordinary terrors, sharks, and with extraordinary terrors not found elsewhere,
blue-ring octopus, beautiful colours, kill you
more kinds of jellyfish than can easily be enunciuated, from
box jellyfish, with 30 feet or more of tentacles that kill, to
Irukandji, 1cm long, that make up for diminutive size by killing even faster
Stonefish, that look like a rock and kill you when you step on them
Cone shells, they make beautiful necklaces from after they are dead, but that kill you if you pick them up
staying alive means staying away from the ocean.

Back on land

Be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.
A stick is very useful for this task.
when reaching for a stick, take care because,

Trees, have developed extaordinary amounts of venom just to avoid being left off the toxicity list.
Gympie Gympie a widespread shrub is described as "like being burnt with hot acid and electrocuted at the same time”, after the first sting, an allergy universally develops and the second sting, may be fatal.
Unfortunately the second sting may be received when violently retching and spasming away from the first sting

Strangely, it is the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat.

wombats

Wombats are large, nocturnal, herbivorous, burrowing marsupials
- How large? Adult male common wombats are 1 to 1.3 metres (3.3 to 4.3 feet) long, and can weigh up to 40 kg (88 lbs), females slightly smaller in size and weight.
Wombats are native to Australia
Wombats are considered the closest relative to the (much more famous) Koala
Three species –
- The Common Wombat (Vombatus Ursinus)
- The Southern Hairy-nosed Wombat (Lasiorhinus latifrons)
- The Northern Hairy-nosed Wombat (Lasiorhinus krefftii)
  - The Northern Hairy-nosed Wombat is critically endangered, being found in only one place in Australia – Epping State Forest in Queensland
Wombats are solidly built with squat, round, bear-like bodies, a large strong skull and a short stumpy tail
Wombats have small eyes and ears, but a very large, prominent nose
Wombat species, some have hairless noses; others’ noses are covered in hair
Wombats have short legs ending in large paws with five toes and strong, blade-like claws
Wombat hind paws contain four claws with the fifth toe looking like a small, clawless thumb
Wombat fur is coarse, with an even colour ranging from black, dark grey, silver grey, chocolate brown, grey-brown to cream
The wombat is one of the strongest burrowing animals in the world
Wombat is the faunal emblem of South Australia
Wombats pose great danger for motorists at night; a barrel of muscle with a low centre of gravity, they can act as a launching-ramp that sends the car skywards and off the road
Wombat poo is cubic
- Wombats like depositing their poo on rocks, tree stumps and anything that will help them define their territory
- The cubic nature of wombat poo was welcomed by bush folk in the nineteenth century – they sensibly wrote numbers on all six sides and used them as dice
During the Sydney Olympics in 2000, the wildly popular unofficial mascot for Australia was Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat (a.k.a. The Battler’s Prince); this mortified Olympic officials whose sanitised versions of cute koalas, platypuses and echidnas were not as readily accepted by the larrikin spirit of Australia

The wombat is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat.

The wombat kills people in two ways:

First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Multiple trailer-ed trucks (road trains) roadtrain have hit them at high speed, with all 41 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away.
To smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical high-speed launch pad ⛍ with results that can be imagined ⛐ but not adequately described. It should be noted that wombat warning road signs may be surrounded by damaged or destroyed vehicles, but never by damaged or destroyed wombats

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance.
This is considered the third most embarrassing way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, beaver tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, gives milk, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history:

Some time around 40,000 years ago, people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died.
The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then
Some time just over 200 years ago, European people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom). About then the sheep♡ arrived, and have been treasured ever since.

It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture, they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped only with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain, and the reason the snakes and spiders are too scared to approach the sea,) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Straya", "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth."
The irritating thing is, they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller.
Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer.
Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.
Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either),
Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya like our country, eh?" is "Best {your regional swear word} country in the world!".

It is very likely that some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse.
This is a form of initiation.
You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", at which the policeman will nod and close his notebook.
Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was.
Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings

"G'Day!"
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
"She'll be right."
"And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia

If you leave urban areas, carry many litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby to ask.
Don't put your hand down a hole, for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Carry a stick, always.
Air-conditioning.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
Thick socks.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is a core of truth that may be d̶e̶a̶d̶l̶y̶ can't write that u̶n̶w̶i̶s̶e̶ that's bland deadly ok to ignore.